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Hmmmmm

2011-11-20T10:24:00.000-08:00

suppose there are way more guys out there than will admit to others or to themselves

which is sad to the tS journey
because we deserve to be happy too

maybe a lot of guys convert to societies expectations and despite their true longing to marry a TS Girl they marry Genetic and have families and such and avoid ridicule and judgement

it takes guts conviction and courage to be me
so I have not time for anyone who can't handle it

I used to disrespect myself with guys who wrere scared
and I participated in keeping what we had secret
That infuriates me today - thinking that I allowed that

2011-11-20T06:36:00.000-08:00

Transgender Day of Remembrance ( Nov. 20).
It's just one day (time of year)...let's make it a point to remember our murdered Brothers and Sisters every day...we need always fight against intolerance, ignorance, hatred, fear, violence & mistreatment of TRANS people everywhere. I personally remember those who have succumb to the hardships, discrimination and hate; those who have fallen through the cracks because of not feeling 'part of' society and those who have fallen into addiction. It is our right and our duty to educate and change laws to make life better for us and for the ones following in our footsteps......

We are not only about lingerie and heels. Important for guys to know we are multi-dimentional before seeing us just as objects of desire; that there is another side to TS life that some guys don't want to see.....a life that is challenged and can be a real struggle at times......and yes, unsafe

U REALLY want to get to know me????

2011-03-05T05:42:00.000-08:00

(first message starts at bottom) shemalemodel on 3/5/11 at 8:35 AM:

	Wow; thanks for all that. IN depth ;) So Ur not looking really to get to know me?......sounds like you want to 'get with' me. I don't want to waste anyone's time and I am clear as to my purpose on this site. If someone were actually just wanting to chat and get to know each other, without mention of 'sexual', I wouldn't be closed to it. I appreciate your interest - there are so many guys interested in a Girl like me and as a young TS Girl, I felt used after encounters with guys when it meant something to me and to them I was just a random experiment/turn-on/fetish. I started to see how I could not feel used anymore and in fact made a career out of it. My view of men as a TS Girl, unfortunately is a bit warped and not too trusting.

	fantasyseekerII on 3/4/11 at 7:42 PM:

	Let me first clarify. I mean you are everything I am looking for in regards to a play partner/friend, not as in a wife/gf. 1. You are gorgeous 2. You have sex appeal 3. you're not just a CD, you actually have REALLY nice breasts 4. you have a breasts + cock (though i'm not sure the size...?) 5. you dress well 6. you seem straightforward and honest. 7. you are discreet 8. you are clean and "take care of yourself" (should I assume you are STD/STI free?-personally I am Disease free however am still willing to play with someone as long as they've recently been tested and are up front about their situation) -I'm not here to judge. 9. You're a domme 10. I love your journal articles, and would love to be any of those pathetic worms. 11. I love the idea of forced- I am straight and have never been with anyone except woman 12. I l love the ideas of forced when the domme actually has her OWN penis - I guess I love the the SURPRISE If you have messenger please feel free to add me. it would be much easier. fantasyseekerii at hawt male

	shemalemodel on 3/4/11 at 6:39 PM:

	Urs s not the first offer of this nature. Thanks for the nice words. U mention getting to know each other as a person....... I'm wondering how I seem to be everything you are looking for? Sylvia

	fantasyseekerII on 3/4/11 at 6:31 PM:

	Thank you very much. You're extremely hot as well :) Do you ever play with subs probono?Or do you ALWAYS require a tribute?

	shemalemodel on 3/4/11 at 6:27 PM:

	Hi Thanks; Yes, I thought you had a nice body. ;)

	fantasyseekerII on 3/4/11 at 6:21 PM:

	HI there, I noticed you viewed my profile. Thanks for dropping by. This will sound stupid and probably cliche but you're amazing and appear to be everything I am looking for (except that fact that I need to pay you to be in your company...). I am straight and fantasize about forced scenes ALL the time, I am especially fond of the site TSdomination Anyway, I just thought I'd say hello, and depending on how "real" (i.e. down to earth) you are wouldn't mind getting to know you...but only if you're interested in getting to know me- as a person and not as a potential client. Take care.

a low bottom

2010-07-10T22:12:00.000-07:00

Truth is I was 6 1/2 years clean/sober till about a month ago. I am now getting things back to normal and have been home most of the week. it really sucks that it happened and I know for sure I don't want that anymore. I feel remorseful and feel badly for those close to me who had to wonder where I was.

Post thoughts; That was back in June - now it's Nov. and I have come a long way. I am almost 6 weeks clean and clean time has little meaning here just that I have passed that physical craving. After my initial relapse, I really thought I was done....I was still taking T3's and sleeping aids, etc. I wasn't really doing meetings or had a sponsor or was connecting to people in recovery. I was clean a month and a half on my 6 1/2 years and then again for a month. I got serious after that and really got that I was powerless to drugs and alcohol.

I'm happier than I have been in a few years and I am doing 2 meetings a day. I just started working with a wonderful woman who as of this week is my sponsor. I feel she is a good influence. More importantly I know what she is about as I have known her for 8 years and I will learn a lot. I've been connecting more to prayer and meditation and giving back. doing service this weekend at our convention.

Peace out

Where I am at

2010-02-25T23:09:00.000-08:00

I know for some, like me have flourished and become all they wanted to become. For me, the reality of my life's situation is that I have felt limitations. I fear at times that question, "Is this it?" I dream of being more, doing more, seeing more, making more of a difference. Maybe it's not all about my predicament but maybe I would have felt stagnant/confined to a certain level of achievement regardless. Maybe I wasn't raised to 'be' more. I think I have come pretty far regardless.....but why is there a standard? Regardless of what?? How hard life has been? How much I have changed in the past 15 years? Is life this hard for others? Or do they just know better how to cope?

OMG!!! A fresh new start

2009-07-22T16:44:00.001-07:00

As you know, I have been dealing with ongoing legal issues from 9 years ago. Since turning myself in to police over 6 months ago, I have been sitting with the possibility of being on probation, jail and probably a criminal record. I didn't mention in my last post about 'I'm going to jail' that I gathered some very favourable supportive letters declaring the changes in my life in the past years, from creditable people.

Today my lawyer called me after a meeting with a Judge and Crown. He asked if I was sitting down........he proceeded to tell me that all charges (I think over 16) had been dropped!!

I was stunned as this was very unexpected. He said that after the Crown read all my letters and asked what's her story? My Lawyer said that I was an amazing girl who is really a success story and I guess the Crown agreed.

I can't tell you how good it felt to call the reporting center (which I had been reporting to once a month as bail condition) to tell them, "All charges have been dropped" and I wouldn't be reporting anymore.

I feel free, needless to say. I want to finally go to NY or somewhere in the States....anyone wanna join?

Funny and sad

2009-04-23T08:19:00.001-07:00

So, today I had a client who came over not knowing what a 'shemale' was (older Vietnamese guy). I felt badly but he was ok with it; I mean, he didn't get into what was between my legs too much but he did continue to let me get him off. I thought he'd want to leave. I thought that was pretty cool for someone of 70ish age.

What wasn't cool tonight was:

A few years back I was part of a Shelter access program where we had several months of different components in tolerance/acceptance, etc. I learned that I had a part in the judgments/stereotypes in the world. That I have a choice to stop it within myself - that is where it starts...with my attitudes.

I just got back from the grocery store where I noticed the security guard, pretty obviously, watching a guy with a Beard and scruffy clothes. He was looking at the meats and I noticed the security guard hovering, waiting for this seemingly homeless/unfortunate (sorry if that is a judgment) guy to steal. The guy went through the check-out and paid. I know the store manager who's cash I went through directly after the guy. I said it was probably non of my business but....I told him that I had noticed the security guard watching this guy. I think we were both in agreement that it wasn't cool. He told me that they go by statistics. I said it is sad that people have to make judgements by appearances. I wanted to tell him that I get judged all the time for being Trans....being a sex worker, etc.

The rundown of my situation....

2009-03-23T10:17:00.001-07:00

(I post this on most dating/meeting sites I am on)

Though who I am to you is not a lie
I don't have to volunteer and say
That I was born a particular way
I got no uniform
I'm camouflaged in any light
Obviously you can't tell
I'm a double agent on my mama's side

Hey!

If you are an understanding guy who is comfortable with the fact that I'm a Sex-Change woman...I'm open to chatting...otherwise, good luck. Being a girl with 'that part' is no fun and I don't have enough money to correct that. It's been extremely challenging to deal with it and society and relationships. Ontario Government diagnosed me and I was waiting to have surgery - Govn't cut off (mind the pun) funding for silly reasons and no warning - leaving me and others in limbo for 12 years. Mike Harris Govn't wanted to cut costs. At the same time having cocktail parties in the hundreds of thousands......the total amount they approved each year for Sex Reassignment Surgery was 10 and was a minuscule amount of the total Health care budget. I hate being this way and have worked hard to accept myself enough to not use drugs anymore (which almost ruined my life). I'm not complaining or blaming anyone; just explaining my situation. Today I embrace what is my journey and feel grateful I am where I am, what I have and what I have endured.

People's views of what makes one a 'man' or 'woman' is so narrow - people who know me, totally see me as the girl I am. Most of my friends are straight and love me and support me...my family too. I wish I could wake up and be normal but I never ever can be or have been...LoL. I try tho and on outside appearances people would be shocked to know all this. I wish people wouldn't refer to people like me as once being or now being a 'man' or referring to my genitalia as male...or asking, 'so do you have a dick?' I'm just me so take me or leave me. I know that I am an amazing person. I'd like to see those who need to be mean and make life difficult for people on the fringe, live in our shoes for one day. People need to be a little more sensitive to how they speak/what they ask - could be someone's child one day who is diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder as I was. Think how you'd want society to treat your child. Would you want the world to be a hell for them? I am glad I don't need to be mean/childish/voice negative opinions about others to feel better. I am happy that mean-spirited people don't get to me anymore - that it's only a reflection on their self-centeredness, to feel that their judgment is relevant.

It's strange; I guess I prefer a guy who is just looking for a a great person (not a Sex-Change girl) and somehow can accept my temporary situation. I don't explain about the Government funding situation to attract sympathy just to open people's eyes to the journey of someone like me and that one can overcome obstacles as I am doing. Yes I do have revealing pix....doesn't make me easy or looking for sex. I am proud that someone born as I, can look this way. I want to show that people like me can be feminine, desirable (by straight guys) and sexy.

I'm interested in getting to know nice, respectful, positive people for friendship. NO PIC OF YOU....NO INTEREST - Looking to see if we have some connection on this site first. I WON'T BE ADDING PEOPLE TO MSN JUST TO SEE WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE OR BEFORE GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER A BIT ON HERE FIRST! Try getting to know a girl first before asking for my MSN. I'm not just about cute looks - need to be a cool person also!! If you approach me calling me 'Sexy', Babe', 'Beautiful', etc....see ya later. If you have humour and are fun and can talk to me like you can see past the body.....Ur in! So, put your sexual arousal on hold and get to know a girl for 'who' she is. And about the 'no face' thing: People generally wouldn't know about my situation in the 'real world' so I keep my identity private to random strangers while putting this info out there.

Thank you for taking the time to read my info - here are some powerful clips which I find important and are close to my heart (especially the first 2).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7S5usRgY720

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2EV3w2QxII

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Utpam0IGYac
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8F9CaPyQz8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1W17z6KeiNY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSkQlWUX_eI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ib_yE5WILJc

I'M GOING TO JAIL........

2009-02-10T16:44:00.000-08:00

Some of you have read my blogs and know that I used to have issues with drugs, etc. As a result of this lifestyle and poor choices, I built up some charges from 7,8 years ago which I have managed to avoid dealing with till now. I am now 5 years clean, have gone back to school and completed with an A . I've volunteered with other addicts/children/Transgenderd people and I have gained a wonderful life and personal growth. I am ready to face my past and the Judge!

This morning at 6:30, I will be surrendering to Police for Bail Court - I have a great Lawyer and he thinks positively about a favourable outcome. I have been petrified for years about this day. Being a Transgendered person in custody (years ago) was horrible and left me feeling violated by Police and experiencing Transphobic attitudes and comments by them. As a convincingly appearing woman, I was also placed in custody with men.

I actually am excited to start the process of facing what I need to and continuing ahead. I have strong faith today and try to be the best person I can be.

As person who was needy and would have totally been calling everyone in need of support, I have told nobody. I am proud hat I am capable of handling this on my own.......not too proud to ask for help if I really needed it.

Keep ya updated - Ur prayers are appreciated.

PS: I had my hair done and painted my nails a flawless colour for the event...oh yeah, and will douche for the officer inspecting 'that' region...Hehe

xo

It's the second day past this horrific event....I am free and grateful but I am shocked and horrified and feeling sadness and teary. I don't know how I could have possibly gotten through it. Really one of, if not the worst experience of my life - hard to say that as it makes it feel even more horrendous...but it was. It'd pretty much most of what my thoughts are occupied by, even though I am trying to not think about it. I saw my therapist first thing yesterday morning ( she luckily had an appointment after I left her a mesg late Wed. night after being released. It helped and she helped me a recognise how big this is that I faced and got through and was relatively ok. I think I have been somewhat high on the feeling of freedom and appreciation for my life. I think I have been numb and today it's really coming out - I feel a small part angry for this. Yesterday it was the way I was treated in the court's holding cells and today, I am horrified about being stuck in 52 division's holding cell alone for 5 hours and starting to go crazy, crying and panicking. They weren't making sure I was getting to court and I arrived 2 hours late and don't know how much longer it would have taken for them to transport me had I not started to make a scene (G-D love my dramatic side for that one). I don't really know if words can let anyone know what this was like and I almost feel like I am complaining by trying to relay how bad it was. That night after being released, I called my Grandmother who is a Holocaust survivor and spent many many years in a concentration camp, everyday thinking it could be her last; sometimes wanting to die. I told her that I had a bad day and that I had to face something in my past but that was all I would burden her with. Then I asked her about being in the Camp and how she got through...I almost felt like she intuitively knew that I had experienced something somewhat similar (not that it would even be remotely a comparison). I felt a connection and an appreciation for what she lived through - that I we had shared something; that perhaps I now had some minuscule idea of the horror...I almost don't feel I have any right to compare these two experiences, but I think it will be the closest thing I will ever know to what she went through.

Many times today and yesterday I feel chocked up thinking of this experience and really more than anything, don't understand how I made it through...the thought of this leaves me bewildered. As I put on my nightgown and use my lavish face cream I look in the mirror and pose, defiantly thinking...those guards who almost enjoyed taking away my freedom and dignity, would have no idea that I use such creams or had as beautiful a rug as the one in my bedroom...or that I am as classy a woman as I am. I wonder if they had any idea of the good life I have been striving for or how kind I am to others and myself - this makes me want to cry. I suspect they haven't given much thought to who I am or what my life is like; only that I am a He-She, Tranny, man-with-boobs, degenerate, criminal - reject of society. I am a WOMAN!!!! U will never hear me roar with your closed minds. You have no idea that I am having dinner with my family in 2 days (including my Grandmother) - all are proud of me and love me and accept and think of me fully as a woman....as CAPRICE

I thought I was numb and dealing with stuff...I just had a knock at my door - it was Howard telling me that Princess is dead...I am beyond numb and can't feel anything. I can't tear or cry.

MUSIC

2008-12-07T18:13:00.000-08:00

Saturday, February 24, 2007
Music can be the themes of our lives

Current mood: accomplished
**************************************************
Make it Happen
Mariah Carey
*************************

Not more than three short years ago
I was abandoned and alone
Without a penny to my name
So very young and so afraid
No proper shoes upon my feet
Sometimes I couldn't even eat
I often cried myself to sleep
But still I had to keep on going
Never knowing if I could take it
If I would make it through the night
I held on to my faith
I struggled and I prayed
And now I've found my way
Chorus:
If you believe in yourself enough
And know what you want
You're gonna make it happen
Make it happen
And if you get down on your
knees at night
And pray to the Lord
He's gonna make it happen
Make it happen
I know life can be so tough
And you feel like giving up
But you must be strong
Baby just hold on
You'll never find the answers
if you throw your life away
I used to feel the way you do
Still I have to keep on going
Never knowing if I could take it
If I would make it through the night
I held on to my faith
I struggled and I prayed
And now I've finally found my way
Chorus
I once was lost
But now I'm found
I got my feet on solid ground
Thank you Lord
If you believe within your soul
Just hold on tight
And don't let go
You can make it
Make it happen
Chorus

I really love Mariah; when I was in treatment, they asked us to choose a theme song....this was the one I picked. As I just passed 3 years in recovery it holds so true today ("not more than 3 short years ago I was abandoned and alone.......").

..> ..>
Song: broken bones
Album: love inc.

Let me tell you darling I've been high most of my life,
And a dream is just a wish that a heart makes,
I used to sell ya, sell ya, sell ya only things you could find in a drugstore.
People used to tell me, tell me, tell me, just what kind of high they were looking for.
Take a ride on a purple airplane,
Honey I don't know when I'll be back again.

Cause I got broken bones,
Not from the sticks and stones but from the names that you call me.
I got broken bones,
Not from the sticks and stones but from the names that you call me.

Hey you got the picture do you know what I mean,
I'm the fire baby and you're the gasoline.
You like my characteristics, you like my stones,
Call me all the names you say and break my bones.

Well let me tell you I've been high most of my life,
And a dream is just a wish that a heart makes,
I used to sell ya, sell ya, sell ya only things you could find in a drugstore.
People used to tell me, tell me, tell me, just what kind of high they were looking for.
Take a ride on a purple airplane,
Honey I don't know when I'll be back again.

Cause I got broken bones,
Not from the sticks and stones but from the names that you call me.
I got broken bones
Not from the sticks and stones but from the names that you call me.

Hey you got the picture do you know what I mean,
I'm the fire baby and you're the gasoline.
You like my characteristics, you like my stones,
Call me all the names and say break my bones.

Take a ride on a purple airplane,
Honey I don't know when I'll be back again.

Let me tell you darling I've been high most of my life,
And a dream is just a wish that a heart makes,
I used to sell ya, sell ya, sell ya all the things you could find in a drugstore.
People used to tell me, tell me, tell me, just what kind of high they were looking for.
Take a ride on a purple airplane,
Honey I don't know when I'll be back again.

This song still gives me shivers when I listen to the words and the power in her voice.

MY ADDICTION

2008-12-07T18:12:00.001-08:00

...MY ADDICTION
Tuesday, May 29, 2007

This is a bit of where the disease of addiction took me

OK, some of you know me as Julie the one who used to get drunk at Sneakers (bar), pull out her tits and flirt with the sexy boys; fun, fun, fun!!

Some of you also know the Julie who did blasts in the doorways in ally-ways.

Things towards the end of 5 years ago got pretty rough for me (as some may know) I fell into the spiral as some others did; of 'crack' cocaine.

I had been partying at the after hours doing Ecstasy and pot for years before. After starting to do lines and staying up all night (sometimes a few) I started heading down a very self-destructive road. This lead me to a few years of being on crack (daily). Never thought I'd be one of 'them' but I was - most definitely!

After saving my apartment from eviction on Huntley St., I finally lost it and was in the Rex Hotel for a year. I ended up in the most horrible few years of my life. I saw no way out and felt like a victim of society.

I tried to stop; going into detoxes for Percocet/crack, but soon after the painful withdrawal was back out there doing it all again (I am getting emotional writing this).

Turning 'tricks' on the street in the east end with guys who didn't know 'about me' was a dangerous game of roulette. I was smashed in the face really hard once when I took someone's $ for favours and then after doing a blast told him about 'my business' his friend was waiting in the living room and he went out and told his friend in their language. The friend asked for the $ back - I said, "I don't know what you are talking about" and......SMASH! I had NEVER been hit like that; I saw stars. He asked me 2 more times and I stuck to my guns and both times he replied with the same hard punch to my face. This I would say, was one story of many that describes the low I had sunk and the things I did for my drug.

I finally made it to rehab and started going to Cocaine Anonymous meetings.

It was scary to go into rooms of other addicts (like me) and share of myself, listen and follow direction. I HAD NO OTHER CHOICES - I obviously couldn't make very good choices, for years. It took a while of not taking the C.A. program or my recovery seriously but eventually started doing the work to change my life. Once I let go absolutely, I saw the results.

I am 3 years and 3 months clean from all mind altering substances (including alcohol) and for the first time, really feel good about who I am. I have been a productive, giving, caring, honest, 'GROWN -UP' who is far from perfect but strives to always do the right thing. I sponsor/work with other addicts who, like I did (and sometimes do), suffer from the disease of addiction. I have seen many people in the meetings who hung around Sneakers and downtown. I have had several volunteer jobs; including 'co-host' on a radio show on Ryerson's CKLN and co-facilitator of a getting started group in the Rainbow services of Centre for Addiction and Mental Health; for people with substance abuse issues. I only tell you about these jobs to show that one can change for the better - I never though I'd be doing stuff like that. I have a long ways to go still and grow spiritually everyday. I am actually HAPPY & GRATEFUL pretty much all of the time. But 'really' happy - the happiness I never had.....from deep within.

Here's what I have gained:

I try to be honest, kind, loving, patient & tolerant to ALL people. Living life on life's terms is a daily challenge however I am getting a lot better at that. I have also learned to not try to control everything - once I accepted that, I became so much more at peace. I am only responsible for my actions/behavior/feelings. Nobody makes me act/feel/behave a certain way - only I do.

If anyone is in the grips of any substance issues and you want help, we are here - I am here.

Sorry; I know this was suppose to be just an update but I thank you for reading a bit of my experience, strength & hope!

J

Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Wow, another year gone by and not 'wasted'.
Wow, another year gone by and not 'wasted'.

With gratitude to Bill W & Dr. Bob/ Cocaine Anonymous in the Southern Ontario area & worldwide/ all 12-step programs/ my sponsor (and my 1st one too)/ all the friends & family and people who have supported me/ most of all my Higher Power.

Life can be wonderful and fulfilling. "It works if you work it"

Saturday, February 24, 2007
my recovery

I just love these two prayers:
***************************
12 Promises:
*************************
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through . . .
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity.
We will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale he have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fullfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
**********************************************************
This is one of my favourite readings from the Big Book, so powerful. The Promises have all come true for me.
*******************************************************
Prayer of St. Francis:
*************************
Higher Power, make me a channel of your peace,
that where there is hatred, I may bring love;
that where there is wrong,
I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;
that where there is error, I may bring truth;
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;
that where there is despair, I may bring hope;
that where there are shadows, I may bring light;
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Higher Power, grant that I may seek rather to
comfort than to be comforted;
to understand, than to be understood;
to love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.

*My sponsor points out that as addicts, we have died already and have awaken.

AIMLESS PARIS

2008-12-07T18:11:00.001-08:00

Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Aimless Paris

Watching Larry King Live tonight to see what Paris Hilton had to say, I was saddened to hear her talk about what she went through. There are so many people who are unfairly convicted or don't have means to obtain legal defence; in turn spend unnecessary time in jail. What is Paris do? She gets paid to make an appearances while showing off her very expensive outfits, jewellery, hair and makeup. I know I would love to make money doing a season of the Simple Life.
I don't believe how the media portrays anybody - we don't really know these people but I have never heard of Paris giving of herself (time or money) to any charity or cause. So many people like Angelina Jolie bring attention, give of their time and money to important causes. I think that if people like Paris only think of themselves, they will be in the line of fire from media and continue to be in trouble as she, Lindsay & Brittney have been.

TAMMY-FAYE INSPIRED

2008-12-07T18:10:00.001-08:00

Saturday, July 28, 2007
Tammy Faye Messner-Bakker Inspired

I think that some people who may not have been interested in knowing what Tammy Faye was about / believed in, may have thought her to be a colourful joke!

When I saw the interview on Larry King, I cried!

I have followed Tammy Faye for some time and have been praying for her and knew that her time was near. I think one is never really ready to hear the news that someone they care about has died. I know she is now in heaven and in peace.

I want to share some of Tammy Faye's quotes which she shares with such passion and positivity:

"Don't let fear rule your life"
"Live one day at a time and never be afraid"
"If life hands you a lemon, make lemonade"

I found that her faith and courage to always be supportive to others to be a great inspiration! She is always positive! Even at the end, she had such strong faith; she was not afraid to die - I can only strive to have such a strong faith.

ABANDONED

2008-12-07T18:09:00.002-08:00

Friday, August 03, 2007
ABANDONED

One of my earliest memories were that Daddy Harold ran away! I also remembered hearing that I was an accident.
As a kid, I don't think I blamed myself for my parents having to get married because of my Mom's pregnancy with me and subsequently my Dad running away because he couldn't handle the pressure. What kid wouldn't feel funny about that. I was the only kid I knew who's Dad split on them.
I grew up wondering, "how could he disappear from me and not make contact in 7 years if he loved me.
My Mom wasn't there for me either except to reprimand and criticize - oh, but she was helping me be a better person; wasn't she? I'm sure it wasn't her fault that she was now the bread winner and that at an early age had to work full-time, leaving my brother and I to care for ourselves. Letting ourselves into the house and being alone 'till she got home was just how it had to be. I don't blame my Mom - she really did a good job of providing for us. I just didn't feel appreciation, tolerance, acceptance for who/what I was. I felt growing up that I could do no right (well, for the most part) or that I could do anything good enough. I am sure she lived with the same dissatisfaction, putting on herself those same demands. I know today that she wanted me to be the best I could be.
After many years of on-again, off-again letters to and from my Dad/contact with his parents, again he dropped off. We didn't hear from him for many years 'till one day I got a call from my Mom to tell me that the family got word from a private investigator in Portland Oregon (hired by my Dad's friends, who knew that my Dad had family in Toronto) telling us that my Dad had suffered a stroke and was in a coma.
MY Aunt ( Dad's sister) went down to represent the family. He had weighed over 300 lbs. when he died.
Apparently he was very popular in Portland and well-liked. He had authority to marry people and had many articles portraying him as an exceptional citizen. Damn, he was a minister?? He ran away from being Jewish too and even changed his last name ( not the first time). I can't imagine what life must be like knowing that he was living a lie and ran away from his wife and children whilst everyone saw him as a great guy.
I never saw a penny - I got a few mementos from his apartment that my Aunt thought my Brother and I would like to have. Ironically, during my addiction years, I gave my Dad's gold bracelet (that he wore all the time) to the crack dealer in exchange for drugs.
He died with unanswered questions and countless issues I've had with men (not even going to get into talking about the stepfather I hated and feared).
J

THE FOUR AGREEMENTS

2008-12-07T18:09:00.001-08:00

Saturday, August 04, 2007
THE FOUR AGREEMENTS

Everything we do is based on agreements we have made. In these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, what everyone else is, how to act, what is possible, and what is impossible. What we have agreed to believe creates what we experience. When these agreements come from fear, blocks and obstacles develop keeping us from realizing our greatest potential.
Based on ancient Toltec wisdom , the Four Agreements offer a powerful code of conduct that can rapidly transform our lives and our work into a new experience of effectiveness , balance and self supporting behavior.
BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret.

A NON-DENOMINATIONAL HOLIDAY GREETING

2008-12-07T18:06:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, January 01, 2008
A non-denominational Season’s Greetings to you.........

I am always mindful that people are of different religions and don't all celebrate Christmas - Therefore I usually say, "Happy Holidays" unless I know what they celebrate and am specific. I know that when people use Merry Christmas as a greeting that they mean well.
I think that the times are changing and that phrase, 'politically correct' rears it's head more and more.
I feel that people don't mean harm or offense but I see it almost like racism: in history, the majority or more powerful groups, forced their attitudes/views/power on others.
Jews, Natives and blacks were persecuted for what/who they were and for what the more powerful/majority wouldn't allow them to be.

I think mainly this issue is about ignorance and insensitivity of other's religions. I do find it offensive that the majority assumes that everyone is of the faith that celebrates Christmas (by wishing them Merry Christmas). it's also arrogant and self-righteous. How is that any different than me, wishing everyone, Happy Kwanzaa or Happy Chanukkah? I bet people would feel uncomfortable and perhaps that I am making an assumption/ignoring that they may celebrate another Holiday/ be of another religion. I'm sure there are many different views on this; so, there's mine.
I hope that me expressing this to you doesn't come across that I am against anyone - far from it...just exchanging ideas. I'd like to hear yours.

I know that the more we show sensitivity and compassion to the diversity in our world, a better place we would live.

My thoughts for '08

Why do people get so upset and angry about this. As a human who likes to show kindness, acceptance and tolerance, I would not want to assume anyone's religion or chosen celebration - that is the point. By wishing everyone your religious celebration you are assuming or rather ignoring. Why do people get so defensive? I think it's more about sensitivity to others. The world is becoming more of a melting pot....why be so narrow minded as to think your way/belief should be everyone else's. I have checked out a few groups like this and I hear very angry and insecure people expressing that others are trying to take away Christmas or their belief in Christ. I believe there is room for all and if the majority was wishing you a Happy Kwanzaa, how would you feel?

BTW; I am not asking or telling anyone to not...I am asking to open your eyes and heart to how others feel.....when we show compassion, we all can learn more about each other. Why not just wish those you know are of the Christmas faith, a Merry Christmas?? I wouldn't want to assume.

PERSPECTIVE AS A 4 YEAR OLD

2008-11-22T11:18:00.001-08:00

Never thought that I would be doing the things I am currently doing and the things I have/ am facing.

Ask me 6 years ago...I wouldn't be able to picture me where/ who I am today....much less 4 years in recovery from drugs, etc

So, I recently have faced/tackled some pretty big things in my life; one of them being attending school. I have always wanted to complete High School and I finally am doing it. Funny thing is, my School is 3 minutes walking distance from my old building. I started to think about my mind set back then and how much easier it might have been to do it when I lived close to the school (I hadn't even been aware it was there).....I wasn't in a place of looking or planning anything past tomorrow. I was into making money and as much as I could - not really saving for tomorrow or thinking about the reality that one day I might not be able/ want to do what I had been doing for 10 years. I thought about wanting to complete Secondary School but didn't do anything to actually do it. Like a lot of other stuff, it was a thought dream....guess I am finally making my dreams come true.

All the thoughts and feelings which I used to pay much acknowledgment to and were allowed to direct my life, now are being responded to with a calmness and sometimes a dismissive reaction. This in itself is why I am able to better know truth in life - truth which G-D helps me to see.

Nuff bout the G-D thing.....

So; the main reason I was inspired to write this is because of the irony I am feeling, being an older (shall we say) person who is finishing High school. Although I am not putting that down....I now am seeing the clear picture - that I have wasted many many years in my addiction doing just what I wanted to do - just what I could do to get bye....the story of my life.

Whilst many people around me had degrees in school and careers...some with spouses and families. I dismissed that as something I didn't want - I was making as much as maybe a Doctor. My own hours, etc. That's how I justified it all.

Now that I am frantically trying to catch up, I feel more inadequate than ever....it's ever clear where I am and where I am not. See it was easy to sit with my rose coloured glasses laughing at all of them counting my cash.

Hey; don't get me wrong....I am very happy and proud of what I am doing and am not at all getting all upset - I am aware that it' a process and that at the very least....I AM DOING SOMETHING!

I'm grateful that I am finally taking responsibility and being adult.

Funny though how we can keep stuck and not see - they say the hardest part is getting started but I sure have been shown where I am in life...LoL

......it's Jan. 23rd '09 - I'm 5!!!

Trans Day of remembrance '08

2008-11-21T06:03:00.000-08:00

Although I am filled with:

Horrible memories of being mistreated badly and with Transphobia by police.

Remembering my deceased friend Cassandra Do (who was murdered - killer still at large);

Knowing the challenges and obstacles many Trans people face within their families, work and elsewhere

Limitations I myself and others face just trying to be 'us' in an often Transphobic society

Seeing many, diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder by the medical Doctors - then made to live in limbo after the Ontario Government cuts of funding with no investigation or notice, for the minuscule amount from the billions which make up the total health care budget, given for 10 approved Sex Reassignment Surgeries approved each year...... then reinstating it 12 years later

Knowing girls who, stuck in a predicament of incompleteness, have little choices to fund transition etc, as to become sex workers.

I choose to look in the direction of optimism today.

'The Transgender Day of Remembrance' (TDOR) serves several purposes. It raises public awareness of hate crimes against transgendered people, an action that current media rarely performs. TDOR publicly mourns and honors the lives of our brothers and sisters who might otherwise be forgotten. Through the vigil, we express love and respect for our people in the face of national indifference and hatred. TDOR reminds non-transgendered people that we are their sons, daughters, parents, friends and lovers. TDOR gives our allies a chance to step forward with us and stand in vigil, memorializing those of us who’ve died by anti-transgender violence'

(Information taken from the website of the TDOR)
http://www.rememberingourdead.org/d..ay/what.html

Trans Rights are Human Rights!

Canadian Human Rights Act Amendment to include Gender Identity

The Government of Canada needs to take a stand against transphobia and discrimination against trans people by amending the adding Canadian Human Rights Act to include “Gender Identity”.

Gender Identity would protect trans people (a term that includes, but is not limited to, transsexual and transgender persons).

Gender Identity refers not to biological sex or sexual orientation, but the inner sense of being male or female, or both, or neither, or in between.

Only two Canadian jurisdictions have explicitly enumerated human rights protection for trans people: The North West Territories and the City of Toronto.

Trans people experience, transphobia, a form of discrimination directed against trans people based on fear, ignorance and hatred. An example of this is ‘transbashing’, similar to gay bashing, and involves physical and/or sexual violence directed against trans people.

In 1999, trans activists in San Francisco created the first Trans Day of Remembrance, Remembering Our Dead (www.rememberingourdead.or

..g) to commemorate the lives of trans persons who were brutally murdered as a result of transphobia. Today, this event is recognised in cities across the globe every November 20.

Egale Canada (www.egale.ca) released HUMAN RIGHTS PROTECTION FOR TRANS PEOPLE A simple matter of equality and Underinclusiveness and the Canadian Human Rights Act: Through the Looking Glass: the Vriend Decision and Beyond in December 2004 based upon a National Trans Consultation funded by the non defunct Court Challenges Program.

The Ontario Human Rights Commission noted: “There are, arguably, few groups in society today who are as disadvantaged and disenfranchised as the transgendered community. Transphobia combined with the hostility of society to the very existence of transgendered people are fundamental human rights issues” (Policy on Discrimination and Harassment because of Gender Identity, March 30, 2000. p. 2; Toward a Commission Policy on Gender Identity; Discussion Paper; October 1999. p. 42).

'By adding the ground ‘gender identity’ to the Code, there would be no doubt legally or politically that transgendered people have the same protections as everyone else.' (Toward a Commission Policy on Gender Identity; Discussion Paper; Ontario Human Rights Commission; October 1999. p. 31).

In 2000 The La Forest Report unanimously recommended explicit protection for trans people in the Canadian Human Rights Act. The panel noted that there is currently some protection for trans people under the grounds of sex and disability, but stated “to leave the law as it stands would fail to acknowledge the situation of transgendered individuals and allow the issues to remain invisible.”

On May 17, 2005, New Democratic Party MP, Bill Siksay, introduced Bill C-392, a private member’s bill that would add both gender identity and gender expression to the Canadian Human Rights Act. This bill died when the Federal Election was called for January 23, 2006.

On December 11, 2007 New Democratic Party MP Bill Siksay introduced C-326, a second private member’s bill that would add both gender identity and gender expression to the Canadian Human Rights Act. He also introduced hate propaganda protections for trans people in the criminal code.

To date, the Canadian Government has failed to amend the Canadian Human Rights Code to include ‘gender identity’. Now is the time to deliver on Trans Human Rights!!!

~ MAKE
...•.¸.•.. IT
¸.•..¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨) A GREAT
(¸.•.. (¸.•.. .•.. ¸¸.•¨¯..•.* ), ~ DAY! * .. ..

2008-11-20T19:57:00.000-08:00

20-20 2007 Apr 27 'My Secret Self-A Story of Transgender Children':

ABC NEWS’ “20/20,” FRIDAY, APRIL 27
A Barbara Walters Report: Living as and with a Transgender Kid

ABC NEWS’ “20/20,” FRIDAY, APRIL 27

Online Videos by Veoh.com

Man raised as girl, dies tragically

..
Add to My Profile | More Videos

DIVINE:

From Queen's of Comedy:

I didn’t choose to be a whore....it chose me

2008-11-20T19:55:00.000-08:00

September 15, 2008 - Monday

It's ironic and a paradox how when online and talking to straight insecure boys...I tell them I am Trans and they are rude and freaked out...maybe even disgusted. While there are many many young attractive straight guys paying me lots of money to orally worship my genitalia and have it inside their straight asses. So I struggle with the images I have of myself: on one hand I am so over it all. Part of me doesn't care as much as I used to if people know I am Trans - I'm a hot woman and get told often. I am desired and paid for my beauty and charm. Then I am in the mall and hear one guy say to the other (out loud), as they pass me, 'That's a guy????' as if the one had informed the other of this fact. I wanted to yell, 'you fucking jerks (whilst grabbing their throats) , I can hear your rude comments and I am a Transsexual woman not guy or a man - get it right'. So of course this comment/attitude towards 'guys who dress up as girl' is becoming increasingly obviously immature, to me. However; it plays on me. In that same week I was told how beautiful and convincing I am.

I was unemployed when I went on hormones to change my physical gender. As someone 'in between' and living androgynously in the day and 'woman' at night in the nightlife, I became aware that I could take a walk down certain streets and be sexy for a guy to offer me money to either, get/give head...or whatever didn't include anal (giving or receiving). * in recent years; I give it to them and still get away with not taking it. This became a way of quick and easy money and fit my schedule of late nights. Not easy for someone transitioning to get a job in the 'real world' - more difficult 15 years ago. eventually I started using the ads to take calls and work both day and evening. More discreet and paid better. Also I could work in the comfort and safety of my home and less dangerous than the shit I had encountered out there. I had been beaten up by other girls and tricks. Once being driven off to somewhere deserted. Scum put a knife to my throat after cutting my bra straps and told me, 'You are too sweet to let me you get away without fucking you'. LoL; the guy told me to take off my shorts and when I did he asked surprisingly, 'What's that, your clit?' It seemed as if a switch went off and he became normal after realizing that I had a cock. He lost interest; to my incredible relief. He drove me back to my apartment and I told him that he didn't have to cut my bra - he actually aid me to replace it. The sick and sad part was that the money (I think $80) 'ALMOST' made it better for me....I didn't say it made it ok for what he did to me. I realized then, that there is a price for everything and that money does make me happy. I don't think that money can make some one's inner soul happy but it most definitely makes me happy when I have it. I like this saying, 'Whoever said that money isn't everything, never had it'

BTW; in the middle of writing this I had a client who paid me very well and told me repeatedly how beautiful I am. U know when someone is overwhelmed at something? That is what I felt from his view of me. Heck; I think I am beautiful inside...if people like the outside too, cool

TransKids Purple Rainbow Foundation

2008-11-20T19:54:00.000-08:00

July 21, 2008 - Monday

TransKids Purple Rainbow Foundation

TransKids Purple Rainbow Foundation,
Dedicated to funding research and education about transgender issues to build a brighter future for all TransKids.
Our children aren't pink or blue - but rather - various shades of purple.

TransKids Purple Rainbow Foundation Mission Statement...click here

TransKids Purple Rainbow Foundation Mission Statement & Goals

TKPRF is committed to the premise that Gender Identity Disorder is something a child can't control and it is society that needs to change, not them.

TKPRF will strive to encourage families to allow their children the ability to grow-up free of gender roles.

TKPRF is committed to enhancing the future lives of TransKids by educating schools, peers, places of worship, the medical community, government bodies, and society in general, in an effort to seek fair and equal treatment of all transyouth.

TKPRF is committed to supporting TransKids in their school systems so they may receive equal rights in order to ensure a safe and bully free education.

TKPRF is committed to funding research to study the current plight and challenges of the transchild. There are currently no formal studies, books or data that can help guide parents when making decisions for treatment. Families are often met by resistance and healthcare professionals that give them incorrect, and at times, detrimental medical advice. There is an urgent need for curriculum changes in universities and medical school to meet the needs of all transgender individuals.

TKPRF plans to reach out to the homeless youth and those that have no where else to turn. Funds for healthcare, surgery and scholarships can be made available to transyouth in need.

TKPRF is aware that sex and gender are seen and used interchangeable in legal arenas. These two entities are very separate and need to be divided. It is time for the politicians to listen and for the medical professionals to speak up. It is time for the young voices of TransKids to be heard.

ONTARIO GOVN’T FINALLY DOES THE RIGHT THING

2008-11-20T19:52:00.000-08:00

May 21, 2008 - Wednesday

Ontario health plan to cover sex-change surgery Updated: Thu May. 15 2008 2:44:21 PM The Canadian Press TORONTO — Ontario's Liberal government confirms it will resume coverage of sex-change surgery under the province's health insurance plan. Health Minister George Smitherman says the details have not been finalized, but Ontario will soon start paying for sexual reassignment surgery. He says about eight to 10 people each year would qualify for the operation. Ontario's previous Conservative government cancelled coverage of sex-change operations 10 years ago, leaving some people stranded midway through the process. Smitherman says people wanting the procedures must first go through 'very, very sustained psychological evaluations' and must get approval from the Centres for Addiction and Mental Health. NDP Leader Howard Hampton says this was a long-standing Liberal promise that the government is finally honouring.

I’m really sad......

2008-11-20T19:51:00.000-08:00

December 15, 2007 - Saturday

I was on Facebook and there was this cute LOOKING guy who I poked. We exchanged a few messages and he gave me his MSN addy. I added him but we didn't talk for several days. I didn't contact him but then yesterday on MSN, he came on and immediately messaged me with, 'Hey, I don't think you're my type'.

I was thinking, 'does this guy have the right person? We haven't even talked on MSN before - where is this coming from?' But in the back of my mind, I knew what this was probably about, as I have experience this type of tacky rejection- to-make-the-young-guy feel-better-about-himself, before. My guard was up and I replied, 'I could probably say the same about you'. Then he tried to tell me that I had added him, like, 3 times - he rejected me and he only came on to tell me that he wasn't interested. I was like, 'okay, then'. I told him that by his Display Pic, and his attitude, I wasn't interested.

I did not add him 3 times and I knew what was coming.....'You're a man', he said.

I said, 'You wish', and clicked, delete/block!!! GONE!

He had added me as a friend on Facebook and my memory of who he was, was vague, so I went to see his profile and saw that he already had blocked me........WHATEVER!

I know, Ur thinking (as I was) that this guy has some issues. If he wasn't interested he didn't have to contact me anymore - I certainly wasn't attempting to talk to him after out initial 4 messages.

I was left feeling paranoid how he knew/thought that about me.....and for the record, I am not a MAN, as discussed in previous blogs.

I figured he looked at my pix and saw something which is still bothersome because I have put years of effort into not appearing to be Trans.

I feel that in cases like this, it seems that for some reason (especially for younger, insecure about their sexuality/identity boys) it's ok to ridicule people like me and pass judgement that we are bad / immoral / unacceptable when saying things like, 'Ha ha; you're a man'. I wonder if these guys would have the same attitude if they were contacted by and not interested in someone who was of an ethnic minority or with a disability. Would they more politely brush them off? I think this is Transphobia! I have to leave this situation looking at myself. I have thought about the fact that I was barking up the 'young guy' tree but I have to also say that I have had some surprisingly positive responses form guys; both young and not so young.

As my straight (former University football star), guy, friend said about this: This is like the Backs in the 50's and that this is just part of the journey - one day these attitudes will seem out-of-date...that I am a trailblazer! Yeahhhhh, Baby!

The 9th Annual Transgender Day of Remembrance

2008-11-20T19:50:00.000-08:00

November 15, 2007 - Thursday

The 9th Annual Transgender Day of Remembrance
Body: The Transgender Day of Remembrance was set aside to memorialize those who were killed due to anti-transgender hatred or prejudice. The event is held in November to honor Rita Hester, whose murder on November 28th, 1998 kicked off the 'Remembering Our Dead' web project and a San Francisco candlelight vigil in 1999. Rita Hester's murder — like most anti-transgender murder cases — has yet to be solved.

Although not every person represented during the Day of Remembrance self-identified as transgendered — that is, as a transsexual, crossdresser, or otherwise gender-variant — each was a victim of violence based on bias against transgendered people.

We live in times more sensitive than ever to hatred based violence, especially since the events of September 11th. Yet even now, the deaths of those based on anti-transgender hatred or prejudice are largely ignored. Over the last decade, more than one person per month has died due to transgender-based hate or prejudice, regardless of any other factors in their lives. This trend shows no sign of abating.

The Transgender Day of Remembrance serves several purposes. It raises public awareness of hate crimes against transgendered people, an action that current media doesn't perform. Day of Remembrance publicly mourns and honors the lives of our brothers and sisters who might otherwise be forgotten. Through the vigil, we express love and respect for our people in the face of national indifference and hatred. Day of Remembrance reminds non-transgendered people that we are their sons, daughters, parents, friends and lovers. Day of Remembrance gives our allies a chance to step forward with us and stand in vigil, memorializing those of us who've died by anti-transgender violence.

Toronto's Trans Day of Remembrance

Tuesday November 20th 2007 7- 9pm 519 Church Street Community Centre Auditorium

Ontario Government shows a lack of understanding

2008-11-20T19:49:00.000-08:00

September 26, 2007 - Wednesday

Current mood: determined

As a patient of the Clarke Institute's Gender Identity Clinic I was diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria. I was following the recommended criteria to be approved for Sex Reassignment Surgery (S.R.S.), when without warning, the Mike Harris Government delisted S.R.S from being covered by OHIP.
The amount of money devoted to SRS 'is such a measly figure when you consider that the Mike Harris government spends more than that on a cocktail party,' said Michelle Renée of the Ottawa-based Task Force for Transgendered Law Reform, in a letter sent to the Sun newspaper chain.
The cause of transsexuality (known as Gender Identity Dysphoria in the medical literature) is hotly debated, but there is a consensus among transgendered persons and their health-care providers that sex-reassignment is necessary for male and female transsexuals, and for many intersex persons (those born with ambiguous genitalia).
Transgender activists have raised the possibility of a court challenge. One source suggested that the Ontario cuts, 'may go against the Canada Health Act, in spirit if not in fact, by denying people who cannot afford it access to treatment for a 'recognized' medical condition.'
The cutback to SRS funding reflects the intolerance, fear, and bigotry that infest the Ontario Tories and some segments of Canadian society. It sends a clear message that the interests and needs of transgendered people are not worthy of social support, and it will certainly encourage trans-phobia.
'People who need the surgery most, and who cannot afford it, will suffer the most,' said Sarah Martin of the Toronto chapter of Transsexual Menace, a transgender rights group. 'More people will end up using understaffed and unapproved clinics and surgeons.'
Under OHIP, candidates for SRS had to travel to Britain or the USA for the procedure. However, OHIP coverage only paid for surgery itself, and patients were required to pay travel expenses, and all other aspects of their transition including electrolysis and ongoing hormone therapy.
Some transgendered persons can afford high quality surgery and care in private clinics. Those who cannot will face high-risk choices between two evils: foregoing surgery, or opting for dangerous alternatives to quality subsidized care. For those who forego SRS, the decision of Witmer's ministry will mean an increase in despair, depression, and suicide attempts, said Lynn Lefevre, an activist with the Task Force on Transgendered Law Reform. Meanwhile other observers predict a rise in transgendered prostitution, pointing to an already-established link between the inaccessibility of sex-reassignment surgery and the market demand for so-called 'she-male' sex workers.
Reduced access may also lead to more frequent reliance on the services of pseudo-medical quacks who prey on the desperation of cash-strapped transgendered persons.
According to Lynn Lefevre, one of the bitterest ironies of the cutback, is that 'it's likely going to cost the system a lot more than $122,000 per year [in counselling, therapy, and other medical services, and perhaps policing] to treat those who now have lost all hope.'
I was one of these people who because of being 'stuck/trapped in the middle', experienced an increase of self-loathing for my male genetalia. I needed support which I didn't have and now that the chance of receiving S.R.S. had been taken away, I had no way to come up with the money within the next few years. I became addicted to drug/alcohol as a way to deal with my bleak situation. I am/was a woman who had male genetalia! I also was involved in Sex-work to be able to afford such things as Electrolysis and other costly surgical/cosmetic procedures which helped feminize my body to match how I felt inside.
There have been court battles to make the Government cover several people who were awaiting to have their S.R.S and these cases were won!!!

I feel it is extremely unfair that there are thousands and thousands of Ontarians receiving medical treatment (covered by OHIP) for smoking related cancers and other illnesses – these people choose to smoke – I and other Trans people do not chose to be Transgendered.
I am now almost 4 years free of any drugs/alcohol and am a law-abiding, tax-paying citizen who is aking that Transgendered people have their basic rights to be who they are and who, the health care community agrees they are.

Being used for sex = making a living to pay for surgery

2008-11-20T19:46:00.000-08:00

July 31, 2007 - Tuesday

I'll tell ya; when I was young, I allowed myself to be used as (I know a lot of TS girls have experienced this too) an object of male curiosity / 'sexual' desire.

I used to get with guys who wanted to experiment / fulfill their fantasy. Thinking that our interaction was something more meaningful, I started to see that that they wanted little more from me than erotic fun. All that I had endured to involuntarily become something different and unique (physically) and in turn, something that many many men desired to be with, made me aware that being a She-Male was a commodity.

I hope this explains how I became less interested in being 'used' for sex and more interested in being smart about it. Because, c'mon; if we are really honest, most of you guys would use me if I let you - this way, we both are satisfied!!

So, do you have a pussy or a dick - R U pre or post op?

2008-11-20T19:45:00.000-08:00

May 25, 2007 - Friday

So, do you have a pussy or a dick - R U pre or post op?

I understand the interest / need to know but I think it is a personal subject. I feel that people think it's ok to discuss my genitalia (sexual organ) because I am Trans. I feel it would be inappropriate for me to ask anyone about theirs after knowing so little about them. I get asked this question in the first few minutes of conversation. There is so much to a person - everyone has things that they don't 'put out there'; Why must what is between my legs be such an issue??

I believe that it's great getting to know about someone that is how we find out about them and who they are - I would much rather be appreciated for the person I am than to be asked about my genitalia.

I recently met a guy online who, from looking at his pictures, saw that he was in a wheelchair. After getting to know each other and building a good connection, he asked if I had known that he was disabled. Although I was curious if he was born that way, I had never asked him - I let him talk about it when he was ready. After some time getting to know more about each other, I told him about me and surprisingly, he was very attracted to that. Eventually he opened up more too and I found out how he became disabled.

I am a person not an object to be disected just because I am Trans.

Trash Talk Shows

2008-11-20T19:44:00.000-08:00

May 12, 2007 - Saturday

Trash Talk Shows

There was nothing on TV and I saw that Jerry Springer had a Transsexual on. The show was called: 'Transensational'. When the very attractive girl revealed that she was TS, Jerry said, 'So you are a guy'. Then, when the guest told the boy whom she had been dating about her past, he called her a 'man'. She kept pleading, that she wasn't a man and that she didn't want to be called a man - one of the bouncers; taunting her, called her a man.

Anyone who has seen the show knows that they promote violence by ringing a bell (as in a fighting match) which they did. It seemed to be ok and even promoted that the boy she was dating now could hit her in that face and beat her up as if she was a man.

One audience member a GG, said, 'At least I am real'.

With Jerry and the audience cheering and promoting Trans phobia and violence against Trans girls it's no wonder this really goes on in the world.

I feel that the climate Mr Springer promotes on TV is extremely dangerous and irresponsible. We all know there are plenty of idiots who watch that show who will think that Trans people are less than and deserve to be assaulted physically simply for being who we are. Unfortunately most of us will not be so lucky to have Jerry Springer Show bouncers to protect us from the beatings if it does happen to us in the 'real world'

Oh and might I add that there is also a responsibility of us to not make public spectacles of ourselves. In going on this type of show, we must know how we will be portrayed and exploited. Trans women lifting their tops to reveal their breasts is adding to that trashy image.

I know that I have choices and I chose never to allow anyone to exploit me and I chose to change the channel when Jerry Springer/ Maury Povich, or any of these types of exploitative, irresponsible excuses for TV programming are on.

RELATIONSHIPS

2008-11-20T19:43:00.000-08:00

April 10, 2007 - Tuesday

I have been single for a while.

I get so many messages from guys sayin', 'how are you single, Ma?'
I want to say what's wrong with that? But I think the truth is, that I am Transgendered.
I feel that as long as I am in the process of becoming what I need to be (female) I don't want a guy to want me like this. I know that may not be the way I should think (or how many Trans people feel) but it is the way I feel. Although I feel that I am open to guys' attention I know that feeling this way probably keeps me from having relationships.

I have slept around over the years I have been in recovery for a few years and don't need to have 'sex' without commitment. I am at a point in my life that I don't need to be in a relationship but would like to be with someone one day. I also feel that I have settled for years and am now trying to find the right guy - a guy on my level.....where is he???? LoL

Is is possible to be with a 'straight' guy while I am in transition??

The way we are treated starts from within

2008-11-20T19:42:00.000-08:00

March 19, 2007 - Monday

This was in response to someone who wanted to meet She males and had no pic; on a TS Myspace group:

AND......... If one wants to meet 'Shemales' I would suggest looking in the back of the Now or Eye Weekly. Oh yeah, but you are looking for Shemale FRIENDS right? Wink wink! May I suggest reading the groups identity statement - "this is a place for transgendered people to exchange/challenge ideas on making the world better, as a trans person/admirer/supporter". This is not a pick-up site. I try to include everyone here. I don't add people on my personal profile who have no pix - what do you all think about allowing new members on here who have no pix. people can always set their profiles to private if they don't want random people to know about their personal views or preferences - I personally am an open book.

Personally I have experienced being treated badly by curious guys/Tranny lovers when I was young. I was eager for male attention (as a young woman) and allowed myself to be treated as a piece of meat - good only for sex and never good enough to have anyone know they really desired me.

I even experienced (what I thought was love) with 2 guys who I cared about and I know they cared about me in private - turned out they both had complexes about anyone knowing the true extent of our feelings/relationship. That was very painful.

I have come a long way - today I don't have anyone in my life that is not ok with themselves as I am. I am grateful to be able to say and mean that.

Being Transsexual or being interested in or knowing them is not anything to be ashamed of - if we allow that to start from within ourselves; we are perpetuating the societal view of TS people as being freaks or sexual experiments. (See previous post: degrees of straightness) Being attracted to a TS guy or girl makes you gay or lesbian, only if you allow yourself to feel that way.

Please check out the video clip at the top of the group's page from Miss Ross ; who talks about the images we have allowed, of TG people to exist in society - time we no longer allow these stereotypes!!!!

I personally, would rather be respected for the person I am than be desired for what is/was between my legs or the gender I was born.

Thanks for letting me vent. I respect people's right to privacy and understand that there are reasons behind that. I am expressing how certain actions from certain people affect the lives of others....but only if we allow them to.

I know; I got a little heated. This issue - I am passionate about.

Sex-change model; 'James Bond girl'

2008-11-20T19:36:00.001-08:00

March 15, 2007 - Thursday

Caroline 'Tula' Cossey who's book, 'My Story' helped to changed my life. This was the first and only Transsexual woman to be a 'James Bond Girl' (For Your Eyes Only) as well as the only TS girl to have a spread in Playboy. She has worked to change laws and to change perceptions - Showing that TS girls can be attractive, intelligent, successful, desired women.

Her Worship Georgina Beyer, M.P. - The first Transsexual in the world to be elected to national office. 'Georgie Girl' - documentary about her life.

What degrees of Straightness/Bi-ness/Gayness are there?

2008-11-20T19:24:00.001-08:00

January 18, 2007 - Thursday

What degrees of Straightness/Bi-ness/Gayness are there? I have my views about people who are attracted to Transsexuals- I would like to hear from you; If a man who is attracted to 'women' (but not into 'Guys') - is into a 'girl' with a dick or a woman into a 'Guy' with a vagina, they wouldn't be quite Gay, Bi or straight would they?? Gay would mean that he is a guy who is into men and Bi is into both genders. A Transsexual girl is more 'woman' than 'man' right? Is there a label we haven't established yet, for someone who is attracted to people who's genders don't quite fit in a box? I think labels are dangerous - why is society obsessed with labels? Perhaps as gender is stretched, people's sexuality labels must adapt. What do you think?

Look in the mirror - everyone. Transphobia is alive and well

2008-11-20T19:12:00.000-08:00

March 15, 2007 - Thursday

Look in the mirror, Portugal!

Murdered trans woman was "repeatedly beaten, sodomized with sticks,
burned, kicked, stabbed and stoned by a group of 14 teenagers from St. José Center" a strict Catholic school for boys

A triple murder in Toronto in '96

My friend who was Murdered here in Toronto.

The police put out a huge poster of her asking for the public to help find the suspect. They used pictures of Sandra (Tula) in lingerie (not any of the above pictures...she was in panties and a corset - very revealing). I wondered; if one of the male officer's wives were murdered would they would also use pictures of the victim wearing lingerie?? Several years and no killer found!

PLEASE DON'T CALL ME A FU**IN' GUY!!!!!!!!!!

2008-11-20T19:09:00.000-08:00

March 15, 2007 - Thursday

March 15, 2007 - Thursday

OMG if one more guy asks, "so are you a guy?" one more time, I will come through the computer and...............!

When I told my Mom that I was on hormones and wanted to start physically becoming a girl, she said, " I never saw you as a man"

I think of football players and 'a dude' when I think of 'a guy'.......not some feminine attractive girl with tits and a hot girl bod.

How insensitive. I used to try to explain this idea to people but now I just see it as them doing me a favour. If someone is that brash and narrow-minded then I say, "see ya!" ...immediately. NO THANKS....... Now who's getting rejected?? You, by the 'guy' that you were getting a hard on for before I told you that I was TRANSGENDERED!

Would you call this picture 'a guy'?

Transgendered doesn't make me a 'man' or 'guy' or 'dude' show some respect! and sensitivity to my sharing something that I never had to tell you about in the first place!!!!

Shhhh, I'm not as angry as I seem; just trying to make my point.

Really getting personal

2008-11-20T19:05:00.000-08:00

I was very young when I felt like I wanted to be a girl.

In kindergarten 'dress up' there was a chest of clothes and I used to love putting on 'wedding' type gowns and twirling around. I was told by my Mom years later that the kids would laugh at me but that didn't stop me. The teacher thought it wasn't funny and called my Mom and I in for a meeting. I don't remember what was said.

At around that age I told my Mom, "I wish I was a girl". I do remember this, clearly! She went off on me and freaked out. I was maybe 6 or 7. Well that was that - I knew loud and clear that how I really felt inside was to be kept to myself and my dress up would be something only my brothers and I knew about (no I didn't get dressed and do sexual things with my brothers).

At around the age of 23, the company I had worked for 3 years went bankrupt. This was not a good thing but looking back it was just the event which gave me the opportunity to change my life. I was going downtown a lot to the club; dressed as a girl.

My need to be seen as a 'woman' grew more and more. I was now going out during the day this way. It was scary - I never wanted anyone to know. I think I pulled it off for the most part. I was young, sleight and pretty; with my own long hair.

Around this time I met this Transsexual girl named Liona. She performed a live show (lip-sync) in a gay club for a drag contest. She was no drag queen!!! I had seen several girls dressed up who were obviously not living that way. Liona performed Sweet Transvestite (she had a great humor about herself) and at some point during the show ripped her top off to reveal breasts - REAL ones.

I was drawn to her charisma - I wanted to be like her. For as long as I remembered, I wanted to have breasts. I was very to myself at the clubs and was afraid of the other 'girls'. They all seemed very 'street' - they actually were. Liona was also hard core but I went up to her and said something like, "you are amazing" and RAN off. She sharply chased after me and said, "You're not getting away that easy".

I'm almost crying writing this because she ended up being as they say, my 'drag Mother'. Liona died more than 10 years ago and I don't remember to think about her much anymore but she helped me to change my life....forever!

Liona and I clicked like I hadn't with anyone else in that scene. I asked her about how she got breasts and about being a woman. She said to me and I will never forget her words, "Girl, go on hormones they will only make you better".

Liona had a heavy drug problem which I was very naive to. She also worked the streets as a prostitute. I don't remember if she told me any of that at first but I let her stay with me for the next couple nights and maybe one other time after that.

The seed had been planted. Did I want to risk it all and try to become something I had wanted to be, (and felt I was inside for my whole life) regardless of what the physical outcome? I mean, it was very important to me to not go trough hormone treatment and then in the end, not be convincing enough to feel comfortable in the world. I was tormented with the decision/dilemma. I was drunk so many nights during that period - I remember being put in cabs by the door men of the club. It was a life altering decision I would need to ultimately have to make for myself, by myself.

During this period I lived north of downtown (North York) in a building run by a narrow-minded immigrant couple. They had seen that the person who had moved in was not who they were seeing anymore - it was difficult. At the plaza next door to the building I lived was one of those temporary book stores; where you could find all sorts of sale books. I remember seeing the story of 'Tula' (Caroline Cossey) the sex-change model/'James Bond Girl' in my grandfather's Playboy when I was younger. I came across this book 'My Story'. The book was the biography of 'her'; that sex-change model. I was/am not a reader but I didn't put that book down - finished it in a few days. I was riveted, I cried, I related. The prospect of changing gender to me before that had seemed so far- fetched and something that only far-off people did which ended up in scandal and publicity. This book showed me that one could do it and be a beautiful successful articulate woman - ok she had her struggles but it seemed worth it in the end for her......could it be for me?????

Just within the same time period I saw a movie, The Crying Game. It also really affected me. For some reason there were these Transgendered images being put in my path -ok the character ended up being a murderer but she had no choice. The point is that I had been oblivious to Transgendered people being 'real'. Now I knew one, I had seen a very realistic portrayal of a T.S. girl in a major motion picture, in the starring role; and I had connected with the story of a woman who I thought, "could have been me". The puzzle pieces were now all there - I had to put them together.

Oh, I forgot to mention, and I think this was important. I was unemployed as I said earlier; the Government gave me the option to attend a week long workshop where you find out what areas of skill you have for getting new work. They were about a dozen other fairly young people. This was the first time I had presented myself in a close group, professional-type setting as a girl. This also forced me to be amongst a packed rush hour bus of working people every morning - fun. I was scared but excited. I was consumed by the thought of how the guys would relate to me if they knew. Nobody seemed to question or act weird. It was draining though. I remember having no money during that time - it was a financial struggle to get back and forth everyday.

I sought therapy - no help. It was finally when I saw a 'gay' doctor who had some experience with this issue that I found my way. He gave me medical knowledge which armed me to make my decision with little queries. He had told me that once the physical affects of the estrogen took place, if I wasn't feeling comfortable, all would be reversed if I stopped my hormone therapy (within a period of time).

That was all I needed to hear. I went to Liona's Doctor (who is still my Doctor today) and left his office with my hormone prescription.

To be continued.........