As you know, I have been dealing with ongoing legal issues from 9 years ago. Since turning myself in to police over 6 months ago, I have been sitting with the possibility of being on probation, jail and probably a criminal record. I didn't mention in my last post about 'I'm going to jail' that I gathered some very favourable supportive letters declaring the changes in my life in the past years, from creditable people.
Today my lawyer called me after a meeting with a Judge and Crown. He asked if I was sitting down........he proceeded to tell me that all charges (I think over 16) had been dropped!!
I was stunned as this was very unexpected. He said that after the Crown read all my letters and asked what's her story? My Lawyer said that I was an amazing girl who is really a success story and I guess the Crown agreed.
I can't tell you how good it felt to call the reporting center (which I had been reporting to once a month as bail condition) to tell them, "All charges have been dropped" and I wouldn't be reporting anymore.
I feel free, needless to say. I want to finally go to NY or somewhere in the States....anyone wanna join?
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Funny and sad
What wasn't cool tonight was:
A few years back I was part of a Shelter access program where we had several months of different components in tolerance/acceptance, etc. I learned that I had a part in the judgments/stereotypes in the world. That I have a choice to stop it within myself - that is where it starts...with my attitudes.
I just got back from the grocery store where I noticed the security guard, pretty obviously, watching a guy with a Beard and scruffy clothes. He was looking at the meats and I noticed the security guard hovering, waiting for this seemingly homeless/unfortunate (sorry if that is a judgment) guy to steal. The guy went through the check-out and paid. I know the store manager who's cash I went through directly after the guy. I said it was probably non of my business but....I told him that I had noticed the security guard watching this guy. I think we were both in agreement that it wasn't cool. He told me that they go by statistics. I said it is sad that people have to make judgements by appearances. I wanted to tell him that I get judged all the time for being Trans....being a sex worker, etc.
Monday, March 23, 2009
The rundown of my situation....
Though who I am to you is not a lie
I don't have to volunteer and say
That I was born a particular way
I got no uniform
I'm camouflaged in any light
Obviously you can't tell
I'm a double agent on my mama's side
Hey!
If you are an understanding guy who is comfortable with the fact that I'm a Sex-Change woman...I'm open to chatting...otherwise, good luck. Being a girl with 'that part' is no fun and I don't have enough money to correct that. It's been extremely challenging to deal with it and society and relationships. Ontario Government diagnosed me and I was waiting to have surgery - Govn't cut off (mind the pun) funding for silly reasons and no warning - leaving me and others in limbo for 12 years. Mike Harris Govn't wanted to cut costs. At the same time having cocktail parties in the hundreds of thousands......the total amount they approved each year for Sex Reassignment Surgery was 10 and was a minuscule amount of the total Health care budget. I hate being this way and have worked hard to accept myself enough to not use drugs anymore (which almost ruined my life). I'm not complaining or blaming anyone; just explaining my situation. Today I embrace what is my journey and feel grateful I am where I am, what I have and what I have endured.
People's views of what makes one a 'man' or 'woman' is so narrow - people who know me, totally see me as the girl I am. Most of my friends are straight and love me and support me...my family too. I wish I could wake up and be normal but I never ever can be or have been...LoL. I try tho and on outside appearances people would be shocked to know all this. I wish people wouldn't refer to people like me as once being or now being a 'man' or referring to my genitalia as male...or asking, 'so do you have a dick?' I'm just me so take me or leave me. I know that I am an amazing person. I'd like to see those who need to be mean and make life difficult for people on the fringe, live in our shoes for one day. People need to be a little more sensitive to how they speak/what they ask - could be someone's child one day who is diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder as I was. Think how you'd want society to treat your child. Would you want the world to be a hell for them? I am glad I don't need to be mean/childish/voice negative opinions about others to feel better. I am happy that mean-spirited people don't get to me anymore - that it's only a reflection on their self-centeredness, to feel that their judgment is relevant.
It's strange; I guess I prefer a guy who is just looking for a a great person (not a Sex-Change girl) and somehow can accept my temporary situation. I don't explain about the Government funding situation to attract sympathy just to open people's eyes to the journey of someone like me and that one can overcome obstacles as I am doing. Yes I do have revealing pix....doesn't make me easy or looking for sex. I am proud that someone born as I, can look this way. I want to show that people like me can be feminine, desirable (by straight guys) and sexy.
I'm interested in getting to know nice, respectful, positive people for friendship. NO PIC OF YOU....NO INTEREST - Looking to see if we have some connection on this site first. I WON'T BE ADDING PEOPLE TO MSN JUST TO SEE WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE OR BEFORE GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER A BIT ON HERE FIRST! Try getting to know a girl first before asking for my MSN. I'm not just about cute looks - need to be a cool person also!! If you approach me calling me 'Sexy', Babe', 'Beautiful', etc....see ya later. If you have humour and are fun and can talk to me like you can see past the body.....Ur in! So, put your sexual arousal on hold and get to know a girl for 'who' she is. And about the 'no face' thing: People generally wouldn't know about my situation in the 'real world' so I keep my identity private to random strangers while putting this info out there.
Thank you for taking the time to read my info - here are some powerful clips which I find important and are close to my heart (especially the first 2).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7S5usRgY720
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2EV3w2QxII
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Utpam0IGYac
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8F9CaPyQz8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1W17z6KeiNY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSkQlWUX_eI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ib_yE5WILJc
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
I'M GOING TO JAIL........
Some of you have read my blogs and know that I used to have issues with drugs, etc. As a result of this lifestyle and poor choices, I built up some charges from 7,8 years ago which I have managed to avoid dealing with till now. I am now 5 years clean, have gone back to school and completed with an A . I've volunteered with other addicts/children/Transgenderd people and I have gained a wonderful life and personal growth. I am ready to face my past and the Judge!
This morning at 6:30, I will be surrendering to Police for Bail Court - I have a great Lawyer and he thinks positively about a favourable outcome. I have been petrified for years about this day. Being a Transgendered person in custody (years ago) was horrible and left me feeling violated by Police and experiencing Transphobic attitudes and comments by them. As a convincingly appearing woman, I was also placed in custody with men.
I actually am excited to start the process of facing what I need to and continuing ahead. I have strong faith today and try to be the best person I can be.
As person who was needy and would have totally been calling everyone in need of support, I have told nobody. I am proud hat I am capable of handling this on my own.......not too proud to ask for help if I really needed it.
Keep ya updated - Ur prayers are appreciated.
PS: I had my hair done and painted my nails a flawless colour for the event...oh yeah, and will douche for the officer inspecting 'that' region...Hehe
xo
It's the second day past this horrific event....I am free and grateful but I am shocked and horrified and feeling sadness and teary. I don't know how I could have possibly gotten through it. Really one of, if not the worst experience of my life - hard to say that as it makes it feel even more horrendous...but it was. It'd pretty much most of what my thoughts are occupied by, even though I am trying to not think about it. I saw my therapist first thing yesterday morning ( she luckily had an appointment after I left her a mesg late Wed. night after being released. It helped and she helped me a recognise how big this is that I faced and got through and was relatively ok. I think I have been somewhat high on the feeling of freedom and appreciation for my life. I think I have been numb and today it's really coming out - I feel a small part angry for this. Yesterday it was the way I was treated in the court's holding cells and today, I am horrified about being stuck in 52 division's holding cell alone for 5 hours and starting to go crazy, crying and panicking. They weren't making sure I was getting to court and I arrived 2 hours late and don't know how much longer it would have taken for them to transport me had I not started to make a scene (G-D love my dramatic side for that one). I don't really know if words can let anyone know what this was like and I almost feel like I am complaining by trying to relay how bad it was. That night after being released, I called my Grandmother who is a Holocaust survivor and spent many many years in a concentration camp, everyday thinking it could be her last; sometimes wanting to die. I told her that I had a bad day and that I had to face something in my past but that was all I would burden her with. Then I asked her about being in the Camp and how she got through...I almost felt like she intuitively knew that I had experienced something somewhat similar (not that it would even be remotely a comparison). I felt a connection and an appreciation for what she lived through - that I we had shared something; that perhaps I now had some minuscule idea of the horror...I almost don't feel I have any right to compare these two experiences, but I think it will be the closest thing I will ever know to what she went through.
Many times today and yesterday I feel chocked up thinking of this experience and really more than anything, don't understand how I made it through...the thought of this leaves me bewildered. As I put on my nightgown and use my lavish face cream I look in the mirror and pose, defiantly thinking...those guards who almost enjoyed taking away my freedom and dignity, would have no idea that I use such creams or had as beautiful a rug as the one in my bedroom...or that I am as classy a woman as I am. I wonder if they had any idea of the good life I have been striving for or how kind I am to others and myself - this makes me want to cry. I suspect they haven't given much thought to who I am or what my life is like; only that I am a He-She, Tranny, man-with-boobs, degenerate, criminal - reject of society. I am a WOMAN!!!! U will never hear me roar with your closed minds. You have no idea that I am having dinner with my family in 2 days (including my Grandmother) - all are proud of me and love me and accept and think of me fully as a woman....as CAPRICE
I thought I was numb and dealing with stuff...I just had a knock at my door - it was Howard telling me that Princess is dead...I am beyond numb and can't feel anything. I can't tear or cry.
This morning at 6:30, I will be surrendering to Police for Bail Court - I have a great Lawyer and he thinks positively about a favourable outcome. I have been petrified for years about this day. Being a Transgendered person in custody (years ago) was horrible and left me feeling violated by Police and experiencing Transphobic attitudes and comments by them. As a convincingly appearing woman, I was also placed in custody with men.
I actually am excited to start the process of facing what I need to and continuing ahead. I have strong faith today and try to be the best person I can be.
As person who was needy and would have totally been calling everyone in need of support, I have told nobody. I am proud hat I am capable of handling this on my own.......not too proud to ask for help if I really needed it.
Keep ya updated - Ur prayers are appreciated.
PS: I had my hair done and painted my nails a flawless colour for the event...oh yeah, and will douche for the officer inspecting 'that' region...Hehe
xo
It's the second day past this horrific event....I am free and grateful but I am shocked and horrified and feeling sadness and teary. I don't know how I could have possibly gotten through it. Really one of, if not the worst experience of my life - hard to say that as it makes it feel even more horrendous...but it was. It'd pretty much most of what my thoughts are occupied by, even though I am trying to not think about it. I saw my therapist first thing yesterday morning ( she luckily had an appointment after I left her a mesg late Wed. night after being released. It helped and she helped me a recognise how big this is that I faced and got through and was relatively ok. I think I have been somewhat high on the feeling of freedom and appreciation for my life. I think I have been numb and today it's really coming out - I feel a small part angry for this. Yesterday it was the way I was treated in the court's holding cells and today, I am horrified about being stuck in 52 division's holding cell alone for 5 hours and starting to go crazy, crying and panicking. They weren't making sure I was getting to court and I arrived 2 hours late and don't know how much longer it would have taken for them to transport me had I not started to make a scene (G-D love my dramatic side for that one). I don't really know if words can let anyone know what this was like and I almost feel like I am complaining by trying to relay how bad it was. That night after being released, I called my Grandmother who is a Holocaust survivor and spent many many years in a concentration camp, everyday thinking it could be her last; sometimes wanting to die. I told her that I had a bad day and that I had to face something in my past but that was all I would burden her with. Then I asked her about being in the Camp and how she got through...I almost felt like she intuitively knew that I had experienced something somewhat similar (not that it would even be remotely a comparison). I felt a connection and an appreciation for what she lived through - that I we had shared something; that perhaps I now had some minuscule idea of the horror...I almost don't feel I have any right to compare these two experiences, but I think it will be the closest thing I will ever know to what she went through.
Many times today and yesterday I feel chocked up thinking of this experience and really more than anything, don't understand how I made it through...the thought of this leaves me bewildered. As I put on my nightgown and use my lavish face cream I look in the mirror and pose, defiantly thinking...those guards who almost enjoyed taking away my freedom and dignity, would have no idea that I use such creams or had as beautiful a rug as the one in my bedroom...or that I am as classy a woman as I am. I wonder if they had any idea of the good life I have been striving for or how kind I am to others and myself - this makes me want to cry. I suspect they haven't given much thought to who I am or what my life is like; only that I am a He-She, Tranny, man-with-boobs, degenerate, criminal - reject of society. I am a WOMAN!!!! U will never hear me roar with your closed minds. You have no idea that I am having dinner with my family in 2 days (including my Grandmother) - all are proud of me and love me and accept and think of me fully as a woman....as CAPRICE
I thought I was numb and dealing with stuff...I just had a knock at my door - it was Howard telling me that Princess is dead...I am beyond numb and can't feel anything. I can't tear or cry.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
MUSIC
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Music can be the themes of our lives
Current mood: accomplished
**************************************************
Make it Happen
Mariah Carey
*************************
Not more than three short years ago
I was abandoned and alone
Without a penny to my name
So very young and so afraid
No proper shoes upon my feet
Sometimes I couldn't even eat
I often cried myself to sleep
But still I had to keep on going
Never knowing if I could take it
If I would make it through the night
I held on to my faith
I struggled and I prayed
And now I've found my way
Chorus:
If you believe in yourself enough
And know what you want
You're gonna make it happen
Make it happen
And if you get down on your
knees at night
And pray to the Lord
He's gonna make it happen
Make it happen
I know life can be so tough
And you feel like giving up
But you must be strong
Baby just hold on
You'll never find the answers
if you throw your life away
I used to feel the way you do
Still I have to keep on going
Never knowing if I could take it
If I would make it through the night
I held on to my faith
I struggled and I prayed
And now I've finally found my way
Chorus
I once was lost
But now I'm found
I got my feet on solid ground
Thank you Lord
If you believe within your soul
Just hold on tight
And don't let go
You can make it
Make it happen
Chorus
I really love Mariah; when I was in treatment, they asked us to choose a theme song....this was the one I picked. As I just passed 3 years in recovery it holds so true today ("not more than 3 short years ago I was abandoned and alone.......").
..> ..>
Song: broken bones
Album: love inc.
Let me tell you darling I've been high most of my life,
And a dream is just a wish that a heart makes,
I used to sell ya, sell ya, sell ya only things you could find in a drugstore.
People used to tell me, tell me, tell me, just what kind of high they were looking for.
Take a ride on a purple airplane,
Honey I don't know when I'll be back again.
Cause I got broken bones,
Not from the sticks and stones but from the names that you call me.
I got broken bones,
Not from the sticks and stones but from the names that you call me.
Hey you got the picture do you know what I mean,
I'm the fire baby and you're the gasoline.
You like my characteristics, you like my stones,
Call me all the names you say and break my bones.
Well let me tell you I've been high most of my life,
And a dream is just a wish that a heart makes,
I used to sell ya, sell ya, sell ya only things you could find in a drugstore.
People used to tell me, tell me, tell me, just what kind of high they were looking for.
Take a ride on a purple airplane,
Honey I don't know when I'll be back again.
Cause I got broken bones,
Not from the sticks and stones but from the names that you call me.
I got broken bones
Not from the sticks and stones but from the names that you call me.
Hey you got the picture do you know what I mean,
I'm the fire baby and you're the gasoline.
You like my characteristics, you like my stones,
Call me all the names and say break my bones.
Take a ride on a purple airplane,
Honey I don't know when I'll be back again.
Let me tell you darling I've been high most of my life,
And a dream is just a wish that a heart makes,
I used to sell ya, sell ya, sell ya all the things you could find in a drugstore.
People used to tell me, tell me, tell me, just what kind of high they were looking for.
Take a ride on a purple airplane,
Honey I don't know when I'll be back again.
This song still gives me shivers when I listen to the words and the power in her voice.
Music can be the themes of our lives
Current mood: accomplished
**************************************************
Make it Happen
Mariah Carey
*************************
Not more than three short years ago
I was abandoned and alone
Without a penny to my name
So very young and so afraid
No proper shoes upon my feet
Sometimes I couldn't even eat
I often cried myself to sleep
But still I had to keep on going
Never knowing if I could take it
If I would make it through the night
I held on to my faith
I struggled and I prayed
And now I've found my way
Chorus:
If you believe in yourself enough
And know what you want
You're gonna make it happen
Make it happen
And if you get down on your
knees at night
And pray to the Lord
He's gonna make it happen
Make it happen
I know life can be so tough
And you feel like giving up
But you must be strong
Baby just hold on
You'll never find the answers
if you throw your life away
I used to feel the way you do
Still I have to keep on going
Never knowing if I could take it
If I would make it through the night
I held on to my faith
I struggled and I prayed
And now I've finally found my way
Chorus
I once was lost
But now I'm found
I got my feet on solid ground
Thank you Lord
If you believe within your soul
Just hold on tight
And don't let go
You can make it
Make it happen
Chorus
I really love Mariah; when I was in treatment, they asked us to choose a theme song....this was the one I picked. As I just passed 3 years in recovery it holds so true today ("not more than 3 short years ago I was abandoned and alone.......").
..> ..>
Song: broken bones
Album: love inc.
Let me tell you darling I've been high most of my life,
And a dream is just a wish that a heart makes,
I used to sell ya, sell ya, sell ya only things you could find in a drugstore.
People used to tell me, tell me, tell me, just what kind of high they were looking for.
Take a ride on a purple airplane,
Honey I don't know when I'll be back again.
Cause I got broken bones,
Not from the sticks and stones but from the names that you call me.
I got broken bones,
Not from the sticks and stones but from the names that you call me.
Hey you got the picture do you know what I mean,
I'm the fire baby and you're the gasoline.
You like my characteristics, you like my stones,
Call me all the names you say and break my bones.
Well let me tell you I've been high most of my life,
And a dream is just a wish that a heart makes,
I used to sell ya, sell ya, sell ya only things you could find in a drugstore.
People used to tell me, tell me, tell me, just what kind of high they were looking for.
Take a ride on a purple airplane,
Honey I don't know when I'll be back again.
Cause I got broken bones,
Not from the sticks and stones but from the names that you call me.
I got broken bones
Not from the sticks and stones but from the names that you call me.
Hey you got the picture do you know what I mean,
I'm the fire baby and you're the gasoline.
You like my characteristics, you like my stones,
Call me all the names and say break my bones.
Take a ride on a purple airplane,
Honey I don't know when I'll be back again.
Let me tell you darling I've been high most of my life,
And a dream is just a wish that a heart makes,
I used to sell ya, sell ya, sell ya all the things you could find in a drugstore.
People used to tell me, tell me, tell me, just what kind of high they were looking for.
Take a ride on a purple airplane,
Honey I don't know when I'll be back again.
This song still gives me shivers when I listen to the words and the power in her voice.
MY ADDICTION
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
This is a bit of where the disease of addiction took me
OK, some of you know me as Julie the one who used to get drunk at Sneakers (bar), pull out her tits and flirt with the sexy boys; fun, fun, fun!!
Some of you also know the Julie who did blasts in the doorways in ally-ways.
Things towards the end of 5 years ago got pretty rough for me (as some may know) I fell into the spiral as some others did; of 'crack' cocaine.
I had been partying at the after hours doing Ecstasy and pot for years before. After starting to do lines and staying up all night (sometimes a few) I started heading down a very self-destructive road. This lead me to a few years of being on crack (daily). Never thought I'd be one of 'them' but I was - most definitely!
After saving my apartment from eviction on Huntley St., I finally lost it and was in the Rex Hotel for a year. I ended up in the most horrible few years of my life. I saw no way out and felt like a victim of society.
I tried to stop; going into detoxes for Percocet, but soon after the painful withdrawal was back out there doing it all again (I am getting emotional writing this).
Turning 'tricks' on the street in the east end with guys who didn't know 'about me' was a dangerous game of roulette. I was smashed in the face really hard once when I took someone's $ for favours and then after doing a blast told his friend about me. He told his friend in their language and was asked for his $ back - I said, "I don't know what you are talking about" and......SMASH! I had NEVER been hit like that; I saw stars. He asked me 2 more times and I stuck to my guns and both times he replied with the same hard punch to my face. This I would say, was one story of many that describes the low I had sunk and the things I did for my drug.
I finally made it to rehab and started going to Cocaine Anonymous meetings.
It was scary to go into rooms of other addicts (like me) and share of myself, listen and follow direction. I HAD NO OTHER CHOICES - I obviously couldn't make very good choices, for years. It took a while of not taking the C.A. program or my recovery seriously but eventually started doing the work to change my life. Once I let go absolutely, I saw the results.
I am 3 years and 3 months clean from all mind altering substances (including alcohol) and for the first time, really feel good about who I am. I have been a productive, giving, caring, honest, 'GROWN -UP' who is far from perfect but strives to always do the right thing. I sponsor/work with other addicts who, like I did (and sometimes do), suffer from the disease of addiction. I have seen many people in the meetings who hung around Sneakers and downtown. I have had several volunteer jobs; including 'co-host' on a radio show on Ryerson's CKLN and co-facilitator of a getting started group in the Rainbow services of Centre for Addiction and Mental Health; for people with substance abuse issues. I only tell you about these jobs to show that one can change for the better - I never though I'd be doing stuff like that. I have a long ways to go still and grow spiritually everyday. I am actually HAPPY & GRATEFUL pretty much all of the time. But 'really' happy - the happiness I never had.....from deep within.
Here's what I have gained:
I try to be honest, kind, loving, patient & tolerant to ALL people. Living life on life's terms is a daily challenge however I am getting a lot better at that. I have also learned to not try to control everything - once I accepted that, I became so much more at peace. I am only responsible for my actions/behavior/feelings. Nobody makes me act/feel/behave a certain way - only I do.
If anyone is in the grips of any substance issues and you want help, we are here - I am here.
Sorry; I know this was suppose to be just an update but I thank you for reading a bit of my experience, strength & hope!
J
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Wow, another year gone by and not 'wasted'.
Wow, another year gone by and not 'wasted'.
With gratitude to Bill W & Dr. Bob/ Cocaine Anonymous in the Southern Ontario area & worldwide/ all 12-step programs/ my sponsor (and my 1st one too)/ all the friends & family and people who have supported me/ most of all my Higher Power.
Life can be wonderful and fulfilling. "It works if you work it"
Saturday, February 24, 2007
my recovery
I just love these two prayers:
***************************
12 Promises:
*************************
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through . . .
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity.
We will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale he have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fullfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
**********************************************************
This is one of my favourite readings from the Big Book, so powerful. The Promises have all come true for me.
*******************************************************
Prayer of St. Francis:
*************************
Higher Power, make me a channel of your peace,
that where there is hatred, I may bring love;
that where there is wrong,
I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;
that where there is error, I may bring truth;
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;
that where there is despair, I may bring hope;
that where there are shadows, I may bring light;
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Higher Power, grant that I may seek rather to
comfort than to be comforted;
to understand, than to be understood;
to love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.
*My sponsor points out that as addicts, we have died already and have awaken.
This is a bit of where the disease of addiction took me
OK, some of you know me as Julie the one who used to get drunk at Sneakers (bar), pull out her tits and flirt with the sexy boys; fun, fun, fun!!
Some of you also know the Julie who did blasts in the doorways in ally-ways.
Things towards the end of 5 years ago got pretty rough for me (as some may know) I fell into the spiral as some others did; of 'crack' cocaine.
I had been partying at the after hours doing Ecstasy and pot for years before. After starting to do lines and staying up all night (sometimes a few) I started heading down a very self-destructive road. This lead me to a few years of being on crack (daily). Never thought I'd be one of 'them' but I was - most definitely!
After saving my apartment from eviction on Huntley St., I finally lost it and was in the Rex Hotel for a year. I ended up in the most horrible few years of my life. I saw no way out and felt like a victim of society.
I tried to stop; going into detoxes for Percocet, but soon after the painful withdrawal was back out there doing it all again (I am getting emotional writing this).
Turning 'tricks' on the street in the east end with guys who didn't know 'about me' was a dangerous game of roulette. I was smashed in the face really hard once when I took someone's $ for favours and then after doing a blast told his friend about me. He told his friend in their language and was asked for his $ back - I said, "I don't know what you are talking about" and......SMASH! I had NEVER been hit like that; I saw stars. He asked me 2 more times and I stuck to my guns and both times he replied with the same hard punch to my face. This I would say, was one story of many that describes the low I had sunk and the things I did for my drug.
I finally made it to rehab and started going to Cocaine Anonymous meetings.
It was scary to go into rooms of other addicts (like me) and share of myself, listen and follow direction. I HAD NO OTHER CHOICES - I obviously couldn't make very good choices, for years. It took a while of not taking the C.A. program or my recovery seriously but eventually started doing the work to change my life. Once I let go absolutely, I saw the results.
I am 3 years and 3 months clean from all mind altering substances (including alcohol) and for the first time, really feel good about who I am. I have been a productive, giving, caring, honest, 'GROWN -UP' who is far from perfect but strives to always do the right thing. I sponsor/work with other addicts who, like I did (and sometimes do), suffer from the disease of addiction. I have seen many people in the meetings who hung around Sneakers and downtown. I have had several volunteer jobs; including 'co-host' on a radio show on Ryerson's CKLN and co-facilitator of a getting started group in the Rainbow services of Centre for Addiction and Mental Health; for people with substance abuse issues. I only tell you about these jobs to show that one can change for the better - I never though I'd be doing stuff like that. I have a long ways to go still and grow spiritually everyday. I am actually HAPPY & GRATEFUL pretty much all of the time. But 'really' happy - the happiness I never had.....from deep within.
Here's what I have gained:
I try to be honest, kind, loving, patient & tolerant to ALL people. Living life on life's terms is a daily challenge however I am getting a lot better at that. I have also learned to not try to control everything - once I accepted that, I became so much more at peace. I am only responsible for my actions/behavior/feelings. Nobody makes me act/feel/behave a certain way - only I do.
If anyone is in the grips of any substance issues and you want help, we are here - I am here.
Sorry; I know this was suppose to be just an update but I thank you for reading a bit of my experience, strength & hope!
J
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Wow, another year gone by and not 'wasted'.
Wow, another year gone by and not 'wasted'.
With gratitude to Bill W & Dr. Bob/ Cocaine Anonymous in the Southern Ontario area & worldwide/ all 12-step programs/ my sponsor (and my 1st one too)/ all the friends & family and people who have supported me/ most of all my Higher Power.
Life can be wonderful and fulfilling. "It works if you work it"
Saturday, February 24, 2007
my recovery
I just love these two prayers:
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12 Promises:
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If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through . . .
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity.
We will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale he have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fullfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
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This is one of my favourite readings from the Big Book, so powerful. The Promises have all come true for me.
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Prayer of St. Francis:
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Higher Power, make me a channel of your peace,
that where there is hatred, I may bring love;
that where there is wrong,
I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;
that where there is error, I may bring truth;
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;
that where there is despair, I may bring hope;
that where there are shadows, I may bring light;
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Higher Power, grant that I may seek rather to
comfort than to be comforted;
to understand, than to be understood;
to love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.
*My sponsor points out that as addicts, we have died already and have awaken.
AIMLESS PARIS
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Aimless Paris
Watching Larry King Live tonight to see what Paris Hilton had to say, I was saddened to hear her talk about what she went through. There are so many people who are unfairly convicted or don't have means to obtain legal defence; in turn spend unnecessary time in jail. What is Paris do? She gets paid to make an appearances while showing off her very expensive outfits, jewellery, hair and makeup. I know I would love to make money doing a season of the Simple Life.
I don't believe how the media portrays anybody - we don't really know these people but I have never heard of Paris giving of herself (time or money) to any charity or cause. So many people like Angelina Jolie bring attention, give of their time and money to important causes. I think that if people like Paris only think of themselves, they will be in the line of fire from media and continue to be in trouble as she, Lindsay & Brittney have been.
Aimless Paris
Watching Larry King Live tonight to see what Paris Hilton had to say, I was saddened to hear her talk about what she went through. There are so many people who are unfairly convicted or don't have means to obtain legal defence; in turn spend unnecessary time in jail. What is Paris do? She gets paid to make an appearances while showing off her very expensive outfits, jewellery, hair and makeup. I know I would love to make money doing a season of the Simple Life.
I don't believe how the media portrays anybody - we don't really know these people but I have never heard of Paris giving of herself (time or money) to any charity or cause. So many people like Angelina Jolie bring attention, give of their time and money to important causes. I think that if people like Paris only think of themselves, they will be in the line of fire from media and continue to be in trouble as she, Lindsay & Brittney have been.
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